So, my birthday is coming up...yay 19...but I'm pretty sure its just going to be a great big dissapointment...I don't think anyone other than Matt and my mom would even show up if there was anything to be had...which there isn't, because i think it'll just make me sadder to know that no one would come... I miss going out to the clubs with my frieneds...i used to all the time, I'd call them everyday and we'd go out all the time..but then i realized i was always calling them and it felt like i was just dragging them down...so i decided i'd wait for them to call me, so to prove to myself i was not dragging them down i just beat them to always calling and making some plans...only thing...no one ever called, still don't...so now i go to work come home and read a book with my dogs...thats it. It's pretty depressing, especially that i'll be not having a birthday :(

I'm pretty sad

ok so not so well...but what else is new when i post something in here?

I decided to work the day shift today even though last night i worked the graveyard so naturally i was completely and utterly exhuasted....but i wanted to do it because first of all with the shifts i have i dont get a personal life at all...i get up,go to work, get home, go to bed....sooo i slept for all of maybe three hours, hauled my ass into work just so that i could have a friday night...cuz god forbid i get to actually be able to do something....it also seems that lately i dont really get to 'be with matt'....i just sleep with him cuz like i said all i do is work. And to top everything off i finally got my id back today but its at my parents house....so after ages and ages of everyone being all pissed with me, i get it back....so thinking naturally all the signs are pointing to actually enjoying myself tonight i force myself into some clothes and try to get ready to go out....but god forbid anyone actually want to go out with me...ohhh noooo....lets just make everything complicated...everything is too much of a hassle...and no one really wants to hang out with me


i dont even know why i get up in the mornings...everyone is just mad at me...you think i'm not mad with my situation? like why the hell do i do anything? it just seems that i get in the way and im a total and utter nuisance.. i should just catch a bus and sleep on my parents porch

guesss what you crazy blog readers...and by crazy blog readers, i mean jessie


thats right i've told you a thousand times and i'm gonna tell you again:P

I GOT A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE IT AND I LOVE MY LIFE, HONESTLY ITS FREAKING AMAZING


SOOOOO BASICALLY I MOVE STARTING ON THE 21ST AND DO THE BIG STUFF (FURNITURE AND WHAT NOT ON THE 24Th?)


SO I NEED BOXES SOOO BADLY AND SOOOO FAST RIGHT NOW AND ALL THAT JAZZ


I LOB MY HOUSE

Alrighty sooooo i'm so effing confused and mad and everything...

Everything was absolutely perfect for me...i mean PERFECT! I was so in love with Matt, moving in with him and getting the things i wanted out of life.

Then i get this email from sean, saying he was a fool and still had feelings for me but knew nothing could come of them so he never wanted to talk to me again because it would be easier to get over me.

so ya know it was kind of gratifying at first....all like 'ha i knew he'd realize he'd made a mistake' and then it was all i could think about and its driving me crazy and now i'm questioning if what i'm doing is right. I can't even sleep and i want to go home to my own apartment but i dont have a car and i dont want to alarm matt. so i wrote him this email


Dear Sean,

Ok at first the email you sent me made me feel good. Like now we could go back to the friendship we had. And since reading it, I can’t stop thinking about it. And it’s pissing me off. Things are so perfect for me right now…. I’m getting everything I wanted and without pushing them…they’re just happening. I was going away on romantic vacations, spending lots of time with Matt, and he was the perfect kind of clingy for me. We even are so serious that I’ve brought my dishes over and everything. I even refused to resign my lease because we’re moving in together. We spend every night together, he’s exactly what I wanted you to be. I think about you everyday still, like I said but now I can’t sleep. I don’t know if what I’m doing now is right. I’m still fucking in love with you….and its not fair. I love Matt too. And I know no matter what I’d be a fool to go back to you. What happened between us was inevitable…your family hated mine and vise versa, and same with our friends and you and I are completely different people than when we were together. Please don’t mess with my head like this anymore. I’ve finally only begun to move on from you…why can’t you let me do that? I don’t want to cry over you anymore. I miss you and I don’t want to ‘cut off communication’ because I miss the friend I had. I understand if you think it would be better for you…But it wont be for me… I miss you so much, I talk about you every day and I love to reminisce about us. Please….I want just a part of you in my life again… I’m sorry.




But seriously i'm questioning maybe i shouldn't move in with Matt

but i want to but i want my own space

like right now i just want to cry but i cant cuz its not my own


AND his neighbors are assholes and snore really really loudly and i hate hate hate them


i just want to sleep but i just cant

i hate life right now

Current Mood: aggravated

Hey cyberspace,

greatest listener ever!

So last night was Jessie's birthday. well i suppose all of yesterday was but only last night really counted. but anyways we got to tequilas and i immediately stuck a list of things jessie had to do throughout the night on her back and it was great fun watching her aunts help her do them. they really got into it. So basically Jessie and I got many many many free shooters by licking whipped cream off eachother's nipples, constantly, all night. lol. Oh I had markers shoved down my bra and we had 50+ people sign Jessie all over her body wishing her a happy birthday. So it was definately a fire fighters fundraiser night and there were sexy, shirtless firefighters walking around. But they all seemed kind of old for me...except this one guy who was 22....his name was cody and hes in the calendar. I dont even know how it happened but he kissed me and that lead into making out for about twenty minutes while girls walking past me whispered 'i hate you' in my ears. it was great i didnt want to end...and he really didnt want to end..I could tell. He asked for my phone number and then was saying stuff like 'is it ok if i call you?' 'do you want to come out with me next week?' 'can i call you?' it was cute, in between kisses of course..and wow what a good kisser...

So I was really really happy and just smiling so much and when we went home i noticed i had a new voicemail and two new text messages...all from him and i had said goodbye not even 45 minutes ago! It was great..

I couldn't really sleep tonight i dont know why...I drank alot of water...but i woke up around 6 and cody, was on his way to work and was texting with me a great conversation. Wow it was cool...I like him..hes a rockin kisser..I can't wait to go out with him!!!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D



oh yea..HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSIE!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Current Location: couch
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: ringing of the ears

I'm lonely...I'm so so alone. I met a boy, he's a firefighter but i don't think hes actually interested in me. He hasn't called or responded to me... I guess I was just the prey of the night...I wish I could actually meet a boy

I wish somebody thought I was beautiful. I wish someone blushed when they thought of me, and I wish I could belong...somewhere...anywhere

I wish I wish I wish. I guess wishing is my only option. I wish I had someone to share my bed with. I wish I had somebody's hand to hold. I wish someone made my eyes light up.

I wish I wasn't so lonely. I wish I was OK with being so alone. I wish I had a life..God I'm so sad. I want to go see a doctor and tell them whats going on I really really do...But i just don't seem to be able to bring myself to do it

I wish someone would help me and show me the way out. I just wish I had love But I don't...I don't think I ever will. Help me....

Let me cry....Please..I'm asking you to just help me

Current Location: living room
Current Mood: depressed

alright so doom

ok so same old rant about how much i hate everything.

i think i'm destined to spend my entire life all alone forever and ever. which really sucks so much becuae i really dont want that. I dont think anyone really does but the thought of it even completely ruins me.

All i ever wanted was to be a mom. thats all...i cant even count the number of times i threw fits and just cried until my throat felt like it was bleeding throughout my child hood. All through high school when my parents would talk to me about my future i'd just cry. I'd cry cuz i knew it was hopeless.

honest to god i just want children...i just want to hold someone and have them hold me and love them and teach them and help them. but its so impossible. When i was a teenager and in high school my favorite shows were always the popular comedies...friends, seinfeld, sex and the city to name a few. they were great i couldnt wait to get home and laze about on the couch watching them all. But as much as i loved them they were my worst nightmare. How could it be that popular, modern culture idolizes casual sex, and interprets being single as being free or liberated? It scared me so much to the point that when i'd be watching it in my living room around 5 everyday and my mom would come home from work she'd always find me curled up crying while watching them. and i dont mean like trying to hold back tears where only a few escape you and you feel like you cant breathe, but bawling hysterically, to the point where i'd get dizzy and pass out. They scared me because I knew I'd end up just like the characters on the show. Living pay check to pay check just to pay for the next binge of 'fun'. When thats so not what i wanted. I wanted the 'boring' lifestyle where you play with your children and spend your days hunched over macaroni cassarols and your fingers in paint. I longed for it so much but always feared and always knew i'd get nothing of the sort.

So I realized after many talks and many tears, that that dream was in fact impossible. if you are to be a homemaker and stay hoem with your kids that means your husband has to work all day. thats not the kind of family i want. I want a family thats based on equality... where we both raise the kids and we both work to be able to provide for the family. So i thought really hard about what i could possibly do that would contribute financially to a family while accomodating my dream. I thought up teaching and low and behold i went to school and worked so so so sos os hard to get on my way of becoming one.


Next problem...i'm failing....i cant handle working, schooling and this horrible desolate feeling that never fades....so im not returning next semester...i do intend to return one day only in hopes that my dream of a family will eventually one day come true but i doubt it...so i'm upgrading my high school next semester so that maybe when i try to get into the faculty of education i can actually do it...


next problem....I'm all alone..,.I've tried to be fun, flirty and confident...nothing

I tried just not caring about being in a relationship and just living for me....not working

I hate how lonely i get, you have no idea...no one to hold you, no one to hug you, no one that kisses your forehead, no one that looks at you like you are the most beautiful creature in the world. Instead the only human contact i get is the occasional sub on the c-train and the rude glare that follows. No one asks for my phone number so i thought 'what the hey?' why does they boy always have to be the one to make the first move. so i try....just get rejected over and over again...

its not just a boy thing... You know how everyone has a best friend...one who means the world to them....I have a best friend who i'd do anything for because i love her as much as i love jack, its just i'm no ones best friend...and that sucks, not being needed for anything. I know she loves me, i know lots of people love me, I just wish i had a best friend and i had my own friends...instead i've just been in this 'transition phase' for basically ever...



why am i always so awkward?


Next issue: what the hell is the matter with me? I'm just miserable all the time and its not as if i just sit on my couch and dwell on all of this and more... honest to god i work, i go to school, I go out dancing and to movies and dinners. I do stuff that should be so much fun...but i never cheer up. Never genuinely take any kind of satisfaction out of it..not the way i should

It just makes me feel empty and un-human


I think i should actually go see a doctor because if it was one of my friends telling me this i'd take them to one....I'm just not happy and it hurts so so much


I need some help bad...

Current Location: couch, cold, windy apartment
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Air on the G string Bach